I fear lots of  things... yet I don't fear death.

I am insecure... yet I am confident.

I am silent... yet I am noisy.

I feel inferior... yet I'm bossy.

I am myself... yet I'm not I.

I am alive... yet I want to die.

First day of Summer...

I gazed to the bright horizon ahead.

...with the fresh and vibrant smile on my lips,

the door toward a future opened before me.

Blinding lights stunned me,

encouraging laughters... warm acquaintance...

Now, I look back to those days

with a bitter sweet song of sentiment.

I turn back the hands of my clock...

Your smile is vibrant... fresh and encouraging.

silly thoughts spawn in my head...

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Eyes so blue... seem to drown me into its depths...

like the sea that I once hated...

for the wounds it afflicted...

I admire you now...

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Even how silly things may seem... or even how stupid we may be... We still have each other. I am fine like this. At least we understand each other without the need to utter.

--I know how you smile... I know how you cry... I know you believe in me.--

Just when I thought I am invisible... there... suddenly you made funny faces. In return, I gave you a genuine laughter.

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Eyes so blue... seem to drown me into its depths...

like the sea that I once hated...

for the wounds it afflicted...

I love you now...

What is it that you want to change?

What is it that you need to know?

Tell me your fears... your doubts, and anxieties.

Tell me the happiest moment in your life.

Are you brave enough?

Are you willing to sacrifice?

Sell me your thoughts.

Sell me your morality.

Do you even know yourself?

Do you know the meaning of beauty?

Throw away your pride.

Throw away your mindless acts.

Why do you cry?

Why do you hide?

How do you fix a problem that had long been unsolved?

How do you lift yourself to oblivion?

I should have known...

I started the day with a lame excuse... Am I changing at all...? for the better or worse? I hate those people who assume that I am this and that... though I can't blame them for sometimes I act the way that I'm not... like a defense mechanism. Why am I being aloof? Why am I being too distant? I don't why... but it's like I don't know myself like I know myself yesterday... Now, I don't even know my friends... It's like I've changed... or is it them that have changed? I feel like I'm being left alone when in fact I'm the one who left. It's that kind of feeling that makes me throw away something that is prescious to me and move forward. Not really throw away... but be free from being tied up in yesterday that doesn't seem to move forward. Tomorrow is full of uncertainties. Let's face it! Life is not a dream. Things don't just turn out the way you want them to. Let's be realistic! Give me a break! I've been idealistic enough in my whole life!

Happy times are waste of time. Well... not really. Sometimes we need to sacrifice some things for us to be happy. I am entitled to my own happiness.

On the other hand, it's good to dream. Dreams make you forget the realities of life... but who made these dreams seemed unreachable? It's us. There is no such thing as impossible. Everything is possible. I swear. We must not put limits to ourselves.

To my friends;

No matter how many times I lose this feeling of belonging... I will not forsake you. Even if someday (I know that that "someday" will come...), we're already tied up to our resposiblities (before 2014)... I will still (surely) fullfil our promise. I will always remember our yesterday's friendship. I will need that memory to move on. Sometimes, things just have to change... but seriously... I haven't really changed a lot. I guess I was just able to recognize my inner self... (myslef that's barely there...)

So... still... LET'S CHASE OUR DREAMS TOGETHER!

In the end of a dream

there's darkness within

Do you feel like screaming?

or laugh like dying...?

"Dear... my dearest day of silence in my mind.... how long have I been like this? To oblivion I once sought with all my heart... bring my thoughts again..."

Monday, April 18, 2005

I woke up (as usual)... I had my breakfast (as usual)... I slept again... I woke up again...

Good Day!

I have nothing lwft to say for today...

Good Day my friends!

Good day...

Tuesday... April 12, 2005

I woke up today with th e same radiance as usual... I had my daily routine and all... I feel empty... It's as if there's no tomorrow... This is a dull day. All the people around me... I don't undestand them!

-----> to be continued

Try to ignore the pain I've given you...

try to clothe yourself with misery...

try not to cry...

try to understand...

try to love...

-try to love me-

You'll be in pain again...